Barkley Requests Cosby Butter Biscuits

December 17, 2014

Scottsdale, Arizona

Today, in a surprising and unprecedented move, NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley held a press conference to formally request Bill Cosby's unclaimed butter biscuits. Butter biscuits, for those out of the loop, are those delectable pastries made with white love and scientific knowledge. The biscuits are only given to the most loyal blacks: the chosen coons and bed wenches. They are a coveted commodity, perhaps the most coveted for blacks, aside from freedom. Recipients of note include: Clarence Thomas, Clarence Thomas' Mama, and Clarence Thomas. It is widely reported that Cosby received his first biscuit some time in 1963, when he took comedian Dick Gregory's spot on The Tonight Show, after the latter “went native.” He has since made a fortune, in both biscuits and cash, in the “respectable negro” game. That is, he has sold white America the narrative that they were already telling themselves: that hard work, a shaved moustache, and a college receipt were enough to end racism. The white community ate it up, the black community kept their fingers crossed, and Cosby stacked a metric ton of biscuits. But Barkley's request comes at a time when Cosby, a legendary comedian and actor, is under fire with twenty-three accusations of sexual assault, drugging and rape.

“He goin' through a har tahm,” said Barkley, on Cosby's troubles, “and Ah pray the allegayshuh arn true.” When asked if it was in good taste to make this request while Cosby was down, Barkley mushed, but didn't mince his words, “Ah thank they mine. Ah put in hard work, puttin' black folk down, blamin' the victim. Makin' Ernie feeah goo. Shittin' on Kinny. Scared o' Shaq. Long time sacka-fices.”

Barkley said that his next step is to have a hearing with a grand jury, to determine if the biscuits can be legally transferred to his name.

“Ahm goo wit the gran jerry. Ah thank they mine.”

When asked what he'd do if his request is declined, Barkley quipped, “Ahmma throw a black or Messy-can through a wenduh. Them scumbags got to die.”

Cosby could not be reached for an interview, but released the following statement:

“Whoo-boyy. Things and women, ya see, making things MESSY. And MESSY things are MESSY. Mwar-har.”